3 Challenging Lessons I Learned From a Middle School Suicide
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to spend a whole semester in a sixth grade English Language Arts classroom. It was my first real teaching experience, and it taught me two very important things about myself: that I love to teach and that I love middle schoolers.
It was one of the best learning experiences.
But my biggest takeaway from that experience was not about teaching. It wasn’t about how to write lessons or how to manage a classroom of middle schoolers.
It was about the importance of loving the student that was right in front of me.
You see, during that internship I was tasked with the job of working one-on-one with a student. This student was very quiet, often in his own world, and unlike any other kid in the class. Right from the beginning of my internship, I could tell that he didn’t feel like he belonged. He struggled to fit in with his peers. He had zero friends. He was the definition of “the weird kid.”
What an honor it was to work so closely with him every day for the six months of my internship. I got to learn about all the things he loved, hear about his family and younger siblings, and learn all of his unique quirks, like taking trash off of the floor and creating masterpieces out of it.
I left that internship feeling like I had invested my time and my energy well in him. I felt like I had invested in this student like I would have wished to invest in every student.
However, I also left that internship fearing for that student. I wondered who would be the next one to invest in him at school, who would listen to him talk about all the random things he loved, and if he would ever feel seen throughout the rest of his middle school years and beyond.
The news I got about ten months later completely shook my world.
I learned this sweet, gentle, and innocent eleven-year-old had died by suicide.
I can’t describe what it felt like to hear this news. It was like my world stopped. I was paralyzed. I can say I was in shock, but sadly, I wasn’t entirely surprised.
Because I just knew...
I knew he was struggling to belong at school.
I knew he didn’t have any friends.
I knew he struggled at home.
I knew he got lost in the crowd.
I knew he didn’t feel seen.
I knew he had slipped through the cracks.
I knew he was disconnected.
At the same time I learned this news, I was also volunteering in a middle school ministry in this community that was deeply affected by this loss. I had students who went to the same school as this student, students who were connected with this student through sports, and students who had heard of this loss at school or on social media. It was really one of the first tragedies this group of middle school students faced together.
Honestly, I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to say. I wanted to be there for the students in this ministry who were processing this tragedy, while also still very much trying to process and grieve this loss myself. I learned that before you can help others process, you must process and grieve the loss yourself. It’s a difficult, yet important, balance to maintain.
It’s now over three years later, and I continue to think about this loss often. Not only because this tragedy impacted me deeply, but because I think it serves as evidence for us as youth workers.
It’s evidence we must be aware. As youth workers, we must be mindful of what’s going on in the lives of our students, especially when it comes to mental health and suicide. No matter what the situation may be, this is never a topic to take lightly. When we are made aware of a situation where a student is struggling with their mental health, or if we hear that a student is planning to hurt themselves or somebody else, we must take action. That starts with being aware, because awareness precedes action.
It’s evidence we must be proactive.We must be proactive to prevent tragedies like this one from happening. I can’t think of a better time to do this than middle school, when students are in a stage that’s as impressionable as middle school. Middle school is one of the most inconsistent phases in the life of a kid. It’s when they are just beginning to figure out who they are and who they want to be, and that can be a traumatic time for some students. In light of that, being proactive starts with reminding a kid they are seen, loved, and known, throughout a period of time where they may feel anything but that.
It’s evidence we must be present. And for every student, presence is going to look a little bit different. When we are present, it communicates to a student that we see them. And in a phase where a kid might be walking through their days feeling invisible, letting them know they are seen could be a game changer. This starts with a simple conversation. It could be as simple as learning the name of a student in your youth group who seems like they’re not connecting as well with others, and then asking them about some of their favorite things. Show them you care by being present through conversation, and it will communicate someone sees them.
So, what would happen if every kid in our ministries felt seen?
And what if our goal was not to just make sure they felt seen, but make sure they felt known?
The ending to my student’s story is the last thing any of us wants to see happen to the students we love and serve. But the heartbreaking reality is that there are so many more middle schoolers whose stories are just like his. They’ve struggled to find their place, while slipping deeper through the cracks, feeling like they’re invisible to everyone around them.
As youth workers, we have the opportunity to change this. Because when we are aware, proactive, and present in the life of a student, it just might change their story.
Let’s not miss this opportunity. It’s a big one.